Muddled

I knew this summer would require self-reflection but I expected more. I expected answers and wisdom. I am reading other peoples beautiful blogs and I wish I could find that clarity. I wish I could compose an entry that had a point. I wish I had life wisdom to share with you but it all comes out insincere.

Sometimes I catch myself saying I love things I don't, saying I am in awe of mediocrity. I sometimes feel like I am going through the motions of emotions and that in itself prevents real emotion. I catch myself walking differently when I know people are watching and caring what I wear not because it makes me happy like I say but because I care. Since when do I care? Where is my insecurity coming from. Am I helping by ignoring it, feigning indifference?

I feel like my life right now is a college application essay, full of promises I never even plan to fulfill but they sound nice. I am getting carried away but what sounds good. It sounds good to say I'll sit on the porch and drink tea but I'm to scrambled by having to justify things to my grandparents to just do it. I stay up late when I know I'm happier when I wake up early well rested.

I try to lose myself in yoga, but as soon as she refers to dedicating my practice I am bombarded with the guilt of losing my god. Thats become part of the facade, part of the walking and the dressing. I jump at the chance to identify myself as Christian but my head is so far away from where I should be. I should be comforted by my faith. It should be where I lean when my head is in such a weird place.

"GOD is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

--Psalms 46:1

Don't be impressed I googled it. I want to mean it. I want to be overtaken with his spirit but instead I am drowning in my own superficial desires. When will I mean it again. When will my heart be behind my head. Because I am more and more sure that that is where my happiness lies. So why do I restrict my head from going there?