Wisdom

I got my wisdom teeth out. I have gaping holes in my mouth. How long does a gaping hole take to heal? That doesn't seem like anything normal people know. I sure don't. It doesn't hurt a lot. The Vicodin helps but I feel like I should feel more knocked out because its "Vicodine!" people get addicted to it... Yeah well my holes hurt more than I want them to but not enough to stop me from doing stuff.

In other news, my life is speeding up. I leave for Jersey in 6 days (?!). I feel like once I start moving again I won't stop for another year. I feel like I am at the top of the first drop on a roller coaster and I don't know if I like the ride because I can't see where it goes or if I'll spend most of the ride upside down. I just know it's going to be fast, and steep. I just hope that it is an incredible ride and that I don't get off where I got on because I'm ready to move on from this awkward in-between stage.

Muddled

I knew this summer would require self-reflection but I expected more. I expected answers and wisdom. I am reading other peoples beautiful blogs and I wish I could find that clarity. I wish I could compose an entry that had a point. I wish I had life wisdom to share with you but it all comes out insincere.

Sometimes I catch myself saying I love things I don't, saying I am in awe of mediocrity. I sometimes feel like I am going through the motions of emotions and that in itself prevents real emotion. I catch myself walking differently when I know people are watching and caring what I wear not because it makes me happy like I say but because I care. Since when do I care? Where is my insecurity coming from. Am I helping by ignoring it, feigning indifference?

I feel like my life right now is a college application essay, full of promises I never even plan to fulfill but they sound nice. I am getting carried away but what sounds good. It sounds good to say I'll sit on the porch and drink tea but I'm to scrambled by having to justify things to my grandparents to just do it. I stay up late when I know I'm happier when I wake up early well rested.

I try to lose myself in yoga, but as soon as she refers to dedicating my practice I am bombarded with the guilt of losing my god. Thats become part of the facade, part of the walking and the dressing. I jump at the chance to identify myself as Christian but my head is so far away from where I should be. I should be comforted by my faith. It should be where I lean when my head is in such a weird place.

"GOD is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

--Psalms 46:1

Don't be impressed I googled it. I want to mean it. I want to be overtaken with his spirit but instead I am drowning in my own superficial desires. When will I mean it again. When will my heart be behind my head. Because I am more and more sure that that is where my happiness lies. So why do I restrict my head from going there?

Yoga, Purpose

I started going to a yoga place here in Ojai and its pretty awesome. It is challenging in a way that I have never been challenged. The Den Mother (btw how cool is that?) Kira, talks about the intentions of our practices. Yoga classes I've been in before have made me do hard thing physically while this challenge is emotional. Today she said the common denominator in happy people is purpose. When you designate purpose to everything you do, happiness will come to you. Thats why summer has got me down, there is no purpose, I'm just floating in the in between. Well, lets stop that, I have purpose and I certainly have no time for floating, unless it's actually floating because that has purpose.