Bugs

Cockroaches fly, y'all should know that. I feel like that is a surprise that only people will real interactions with cockroaches get to find. They like to fly out your face. Its crazy how unscared I am until its on your face or a beetle is biting your leg in the dark. The dark hides the bugs and somehow that makes them disappear. Not true. Bugs that don't even fly can always crawl up and get half way up your leg before you notice. Then BAM you are terrified. Total violation of space. Bubble popped.

New Places

When I leave home to meet new people I always expect my relationships to be different, for me to take a different place in social groups. Every time I am reminded that I am me and am me enough that in different places I am the same person. The loud one. And I guess thats ok but it all settles so fast I always have to back track and explain myself. Guess I weed out the lame people that dont think I'm funny

Wisdom

I got my wisdom teeth out. I have gaping holes in my mouth. How long does a gaping hole take to heal? That doesn't seem like anything normal people know. I sure don't. It doesn't hurt a lot. The Vicodin helps but I feel like I should feel more knocked out because its "Vicodine!" people get addicted to it... Yeah well my holes hurt more than I want them to but not enough to stop me from doing stuff.

In other news, my life is speeding up. I leave for Jersey in 6 days (?!). I feel like once I start moving again I won't stop for another year. I feel like I am at the top of the first drop on a roller coaster and I don't know if I like the ride because I can't see where it goes or if I'll spend most of the ride upside down. I just know it's going to be fast, and steep. I just hope that it is an incredible ride and that I don't get off where I got on because I'm ready to move on from this awkward in-between stage.

Muddled

I knew this summer would require self-reflection but I expected more. I expected answers and wisdom. I am reading other peoples beautiful blogs and I wish I could find that clarity. I wish I could compose an entry that had a point. I wish I had life wisdom to share with you but it all comes out insincere.

Sometimes I catch myself saying I love things I don't, saying I am in awe of mediocrity. I sometimes feel like I am going through the motions of emotions and that in itself prevents real emotion. I catch myself walking differently when I know people are watching and caring what I wear not because it makes me happy like I say but because I care. Since when do I care? Where is my insecurity coming from. Am I helping by ignoring it, feigning indifference?

I feel like my life right now is a college application essay, full of promises I never even plan to fulfill but they sound nice. I am getting carried away but what sounds good. It sounds good to say I'll sit on the porch and drink tea but I'm to scrambled by having to justify things to my grandparents to just do it. I stay up late when I know I'm happier when I wake up early well rested.

I try to lose myself in yoga, but as soon as she refers to dedicating my practice I am bombarded with the guilt of losing my god. Thats become part of the facade, part of the walking and the dressing. I jump at the chance to identify myself as Christian but my head is so far away from where I should be. I should be comforted by my faith. It should be where I lean when my head is in such a weird place.

"GOD is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

--Psalms 46:1

Don't be impressed I googled it. I want to mean it. I want to be overtaken with his spirit but instead I am drowning in my own superficial desires. When will I mean it again. When will my heart be behind my head. Because I am more and more sure that that is where my happiness lies. So why do I restrict my head from going there?

Yoga, Purpose

I started going to a yoga place here in Ojai and its pretty awesome. It is challenging in a way that I have never been challenged. The Den Mother (btw how cool is that?) Kira, talks about the intentions of our practices. Yoga classes I've been in before have made me do hard thing physically while this challenge is emotional. Today she said the common denominator in happy people is purpose. When you designate purpose to everything you do, happiness will come to you. Thats why summer has got me down, there is no purpose, I'm just floating in the in between. Well, lets stop that, I have purpose and I certainly have no time for floating, unless it's actually floating because that has purpose.

Ignorance

Are old people really that ignorant? Does my grandfather truly believe homosexual people are less smart, less able and less educated? Do old people truly not see the error in their ways or are they convinced that all the young folk are crazy and blind to what their years of "wisdom" have told them? How do they raise fully capable and accepting people? I think it may be my foolish immaturity shining through but I hate when people make their age an excuse to be ignorant. You are supposed to have all this knowledge we are striving for this life experience that we can only attain after a hard life. Well, Rock Hudson was gay and now he isn't your hero, but Bing Crosby abused his kids and White Christmas is still a great film. There will never be a time when I stop caring. Old age is not an excuse to stop learning or to stop caring what other people think. I can use a fax machine with no instructions and run a blogspot, how's that for wisdom?

On the other side

After some intense emo stuff Friday night I am on the other side. I spent Saturday shopping for used books in Bart's which is basically the bomb. Its an old house full of used book and the patio wraps around the house and has books there too. It was over a hundred degrees in the shade. I stood, I browsed, I sweat, and after I felt happy and hopeful for my new books. Being sad takes so much more energy so lets avoid that.

Making important things priorities de-stresses me and feels like progress.